Roles

I always thought of myself as a more traditional girl when it came to the type of family dynamic I wanted to have. I wanted a man that was a provider, who would work and take care of the family financially and I in turn would stay home, take care of the house and kids. I had no idea what that really meant “traditional”, in reality I wasn’t a traditional girl at all. I was an independent, opinionated, OK overly opinionated and considered by many an alpha female. I wasn’t raised in household with both parents, and didn’t really know what it was to be a woman that cooked, cleaned and devoted her life to her home and family. When my husband and I had our first child we both agreed on the roles we would take on in our new family. He came from a more traditional family setting his step father worked and provided for the family financially and his mom took care of the house and the kids. His father was the “Boss” what he said went, he was the head of the house, he made the money and therefore made the rules. It seemed as though we were both on the same page until we were actually living it and then not so much on the same page, not even in the same book. I started to wonder where you draw the lines in these roles. Does being providers mean that you don’t help out at all around the house, don’t wash a dish, make the bed ever? Does being a stay at home mom mean that you do everything don’t ever get to complain because you should always feel blessed that you get to be home and that is considered a luxury. This would be an ongoing conflict in the first years of our relationship.

At first when my son was an infant I loved being home, cooking and cleaning I was really trying to fit into my new role. Over time I started to resent my husband, I felt like a maid, the ideas I had about being a stay at home mom where not even close, maybe I watched too much Real Housewives or something. That thought of this alpha female now having to be second in command I wasn’t feeling it. My Husband is not my Dad or my Boss and I don’t need someone telling me what to do or giving me an allowance, this isn’t I Love Lucy and he is not Ricky Ricardo. Growing up he saw his mom do everything and when his dad would come home from work all he had to do was eat and relax. These traditional roles started to piss me the fuck off. Yes I wanted to stay home with my kids; I didn’t mind keeping the house clean and cooking. What I did mind was the idea that I HAD to do these things, these were my jobs, I don’t know about you but I don’t always feel like cooking every day or constantly picking up after people, sometimes I want to eat take out and watch Netflix all day. I wanted my husband to work and then split the house hold duties, was that asking for too much? Was I changing the roles that we originally agreed on?

I even decided to go back to work in hopes that now we would both take on the role of provider and split the household duties. That lasted all of 6 months, trying to balance home, work and not to mention trying to figure out who would take care of my son, and FYI daycare is ridiculously expensive. I realized I was better needed at home and wanted to be with my son and working until 6, driving in LA traffic for over an hour , then picking up my son, going home cooking dinner, I was missing out on my baby and watching him grow. So back to my original role I went except this time changes had to be made I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t an equal because I wasn’t contributing financially. I needed more help around the house when possible and if the house wasn’t perfectly cleaned for a day it shouldn’t be an issue.

For the next five years our lives would change, we had a baby girl, my husband would excel in his career and I would try and not lose my shit on a day to day basis (I’m still a work in progress).Our initial roles would remain the same but the meaning of these roles would change and although I still consider our roles traditional I like to say the “new traditional”. I started to think how the roles we played would impact my children in the future. I of course wanted my daughter to be a strong independent woman who would want to be more than a stay at home if that’s what she chose. To know that she is the boss of herself and never settle for something that doesn’t make her happy. I also thought of my son and I wanted him to know that just because he’s a man doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have to cook, clean or help around the house. He should always see women as equals and when he meets his wife yes take care of her, support her but never think he controls her. The roles we take on set the example for the roles our kids will take on in the future. Finding the balance in any relationship is work and our roles as parents, partners, and individuals is constantly changing and developing.