A Story About Love

I look at you as you lay in bed next to me . I study the curves of your face, the way your eyelashes flutter just a tiny bit as you dream. After long days I think about how we got here our journey, our love and I think back to a time when we was I and although the what if’s pop into my head and I think about all the dreams I had and the path I was on I wouldn’t change this life for anything in the world.

I never wanted to be a mother, getting pregnant was not in my plan at all, I had never even held a baby.I was all about me, myself and I and at 25 the only thing on my mind was making money, spending money, and just having fun. Then just like that at 11 something AM,  in a restroom at Hooters two little blue lines would change my life forever. The thought of being a mother was horrifying to say the least all I could think about was how my life was over. 

I ran from love every chance I got the idea of allowing someone to get that close to me was something I just wouldn’t allow. I was always more comfortable being with people that treated me less than I deserved because at least I knew they were going to hurt me. I would give my all to these types of men and the ones that actually treated me well I couldn’t run away fast enough. I have always been closed off I didn’t know how to connect or love or be loved for that matter. Now I was pregnant and I was so afraid that I wouldn’t love my baby. As the baby grew inside me I didn’t feel connected or love, I didn’t know how to. The relationship between me and your dad was rough and as everything around me started to change, I hated every part of it. 

Then after what seemed like forever, you were coming and forever turned into seconds. I cried out of fear, fear that I wouldn’t love you like I was supposed to or I wouldn’t be enough, selfish thoughts like how my body would look, no social life, giving up my dreams , all rushed threw my mind in these moments of supposed bliss. Then silence filled my head and as they placed you on my chest, just like the grinch my heart grew three sizes big. You looked at me and I looked at you and for the first time in my 25 years of life my heart was completely open and I felt true love.  I knew in that moment you were my soulmate and that no matter what my life would be or become what we had would be forever. All my selfish thoughts would vanish as I looked into your eyes nothing mattered but you. 

You are my son and because of you I know love, because of you I have purpose and reason. You have helped my to be the person I always wanted to be, you changed me, you saved me.