Mothers and Daughters

This  Saturday my daughter will be two, this past year with her has been amazing as I have watched her go from a baby to her own little person with her own unique personality. I have seen in her eyes the amazement of new experiences, growing emotions and her brain just soaking up everything around her. Looking at her makes me think of my mom and my childhood, all the dreams I had and also the long journey that I’m still currently on.

Growing up my Dad wasn’t really around even when my parents where together and by together I mean living under the same roof he wasn’t really around. My Mom raised me and my brothers and did the best she could. I don’t have too many memories of my childhood, I probably blocked them out, locked them in the deepest parts of my mind. One of my first memories is being 7 years old driving to my house in the middle of the night in a van, my Dad going into the house then coming out and never returning again. You see we lost the house and all our possessions, I left there that night with a bag of clothes, a small box of belongs and my cat. That was the beginning of the end of my family as I knew it. We would struggle on and off for years after that living in hotel rooms, sleeping on family members floors, and renting places here and there until we couldn’t afford it. Through this time I watched my Mom become the strongest women I would ever see. She made the impossible happen, she worked hard got her GED then got a job that could provide more than minimum wage. Although now looking back I admire my mother at that time I resented her, I thought how could she do this to us. I resented her for all the things I didn’t have, the childhood I lost, and the loneliness I felt. I had convinced myself that she didn’t like me I would think she was to busy dealing with her issues with my Dad to care about my pain. We weren’t close we didn’t talk about anything, I went through some of the hardest times in my childhood alone.She didn’t teach me how to do my hair or put on makeup, we didn't go shopping together or get our nails done, shit we could barley afford food most of the time. She was holding it together the best she could, looking back I never saw this woman break, shed a tear or put her needs first. Without knowing it she was making me the woman I am today.

I used to tell myself that I would never be like her, never go through that kind of relationship like the one he had with my father, I would never put my children through those struggles but now as a mother I would be lucky if I was even half the mother she is. She was strong but made me stronger, she worked hard to provide the basics so I worked harder so my kids can experience more. She never gave up, she was proud but never let her pride stop her from doing what was best for her family, she didn’t love everyone but the few she did she loved hard. She gave all she could everyday, she was always there every game, dance recital, award ceremony, parent meeting. I didn't see it then i was to young but she was always showing me how much she loved me.

I see how my daughter looks at me, she follows me around copies my facial expressions and mannerisms. I know we have a long road ahead she won’t always like me and won’t understand why I make the choices I make, but I hope if nothing else she knows I always tried my best and that my love is unconditional. One day she will understand my story and see me as more than just her mom and when that day comes I hope to have made her as proud as my mom has made me.

A Story About Love

I look at you as you lay in bed next to me . I study the curves of your face, the way your eyelashes flutter just a tiny bit as you dream. After long days I think about how we got here our journey, our love and I think back to a time when we was I and although the what if’s pop into my head and I think about all the dreams I had and the path I was on I wouldn’t change this life for anything in the world.

I never wanted to be a mother, getting pregnant was not in my plan at all, I had never even held a baby.I was all about me, myself and I and at 25 the only thing on my mind was making money, spending money, and just having fun. Then just like that at 11 something AM,  in a restroom at Hooters two little blue lines would change my life forever. The thought of being a mother was horrifying to say the least all I could think about was how my life was over. 

I ran from love every chance I got the idea of allowing someone to get that close to me was something I just wouldn’t allow. I was always more comfortable being with people that treated me less than I deserved because at least I knew they were going to hurt me. I would give my all to these types of men and the ones that actually treated me well I couldn’t run away fast enough. I have always been closed off I didn’t know how to connect or love or be loved for that matter. Now I was pregnant and I was so afraid that I wouldn’t love my baby. As the baby grew inside me I didn’t feel connected or love, I didn’t know how to. The relationship between me and your dad was rough and as everything around me started to change, I hated every part of it. 

Then after what seemed like forever, you were coming and forever turned into seconds. I cried out of fear, fear that I wouldn’t love you like I was supposed to or I wouldn’t be enough, selfish thoughts like how my body would look, no social life, giving up my dreams , all rushed threw my mind in these moments of supposed bliss. Then silence filled my head and as they placed you on my chest, just like the grinch my heart grew three sizes big. You looked at me and I looked at you and for the first time in my 25 years of life my heart was completely open and I felt true love.  I knew in that moment you were my soulmate and that no matter what my life would be or become what we had would be forever. All my selfish thoughts would vanish as I looked into your eyes nothing mattered but you. 

You are my son and because of you I know love, because of you I have purpose and reason. You have helped my to be the person I always wanted to be, you changed me, you saved me.