Roles

I always thought of myself as a more traditional girl when it came to the type of family dynamic I wanted to have. I wanted a man that was a provider, who would work and take care of the family financially and I in turn would stay home, take care of the house and kids. I had no idea what that really meant “traditional”, in reality I wasn’t a traditional girl at all. I was an independent, opinionated, OK overly opinionated and considered by many an alpha female. I wasn’t raised in household with both parents, and didn’t really know what it was to be a woman that cooked, cleaned and devoted her life to her home and family. When my husband and I had our first child we both agreed on the roles we would take on in our new family. He came from a more traditional family setting his step father worked and provided for the family financially and his mom took care of the house and the kids. His father was the “Boss” what he said went, he was the head of the house, he made the money and therefore made the rules. It seemed as though we were both on the same page until we were actually living it and then not so much on the same page, not even in the same book. I started to wonder where you draw the lines in these roles. Does being providers mean that you don’t help out at all around the house, don’t wash a dish, make the bed ever? Does being a stay at home mom mean that you do everything don’t ever get to complain because you should always feel blessed that you get to be home and that is considered a luxury. This would be an ongoing conflict in the first years of our relationship.

At first when my son was an infant I loved being home, cooking and cleaning I was really trying to fit into my new role. Over time I started to resent my husband, I felt like a maid, the ideas I had about being a stay at home mom where not even close, maybe I watched too much Real Housewives or something. That thought of this alpha female now having to be second in command I wasn’t feeling it. My Husband is not my Dad or my Boss and I don’t need someone telling me what to do or giving me an allowance, this isn’t I Love Lucy and he is not Ricky Ricardo. Growing up he saw his mom do everything and when his dad would come home from work all he had to do was eat and relax. These traditional roles started to piss me the fuck off. Yes I wanted to stay home with my kids; I didn’t mind keeping the house clean and cooking. What I did mind was the idea that I HAD to do these things, these were my jobs, I don’t know about you but I don’t always feel like cooking every day or constantly picking up after people, sometimes I want to eat take out and watch Netflix all day. I wanted my husband to work and then split the house hold duties, was that asking for too much? Was I changing the roles that we originally agreed on?

I even decided to go back to work in hopes that now we would both take on the role of provider and split the household duties. That lasted all of 6 months, trying to balance home, work and not to mention trying to figure out who would take care of my son, and FYI daycare is ridiculously expensive. I realized I was better needed at home and wanted to be with my son and working until 6, driving in LA traffic for over an hour , then picking up my son, going home cooking dinner, I was missing out on my baby and watching him grow. So back to my original role I went except this time changes had to be made I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t an equal because I wasn’t contributing financially. I needed more help around the house when possible and if the house wasn’t perfectly cleaned for a day it shouldn’t be an issue.

For the next five years our lives would change, we had a baby girl, my husband would excel in his career and I would try and not lose my shit on a day to day basis (I’m still a work in progress).Our initial roles would remain the same but the meaning of these roles would change and although I still consider our roles traditional I like to say the “new traditional”. I started to think how the roles we played would impact my children in the future. I of course wanted my daughter to be a strong independent woman who would want to be more than a stay at home if that’s what she chose. To know that she is the boss of herself and never settle for something that doesn’t make her happy. I also thought of my son and I wanted him to know that just because he’s a man doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have to cook, clean or help around the house. He should always see women as equals and when he meets his wife yes take care of her, support her but never think he controls her. The roles we take on set the example for the roles our kids will take on in the future. Finding the balance in any relationship is work and our roles as parents, partners, and individuals is constantly changing and developing. 

Mom vs. Woman

When you become a mom you automatically get put under society’s microscope and just like Sting said “every breath you take, every move you make, they’ll be watching you”. Your life now becomes the topic of discussion, the source of debate and at times the example of what not to do.  This doesn’t only apply to what you do when you have your kids with you but even the choices you make when you’re kidless. No one ever told me that once I became a mom I would only be a mom and nothing else. I know your probably thinking” this b**ch, I work, I have a career, I’m more than just a mom”, and I agree. Let me explain, when we moms work, people will say “What about your kids? Who’s watching them? Who’s raising them?"Majority of woman work to help support their families and some simply because they love what they do. Yet either way they get judged for not being as involved or present in their kids lives because when people see you they see you as a mom first.

Several of my girlfriends who don’t have kids yet and are working on achieving their career goals ask me what my plan is once my kids get old enough that they don’t need me as much. I sarcastically tell them ill just sit at home all day watching TV waiting for them to come home so my life can have purpose again. I in turn ask them what they are going to do when they achieve their goals, now work full time, and want to have a baby. Will they send their babies to daycare all day? Give up a career they worked so hard for to raise a baby? They will be seen as a mom that chose career over kids. Yet I will be looked at as a mom that never achieved anything besides raising her kids. As moms we will always lose in the battle I call, mom vs. woman.

Pre kids we are taught to be strong, to live our lives with no regrets, and to follow our dreams. We put on our sexy outfits and party with our girls. We work our jobs and make our money and people say, “That girl has it together”. Now as a mom I put on my sexy outfit and the first thing people say is "that’s too sexy, to revealing, she’s a mom she shouldn’t dress like that". Forget going out, you go out and all of a sudden its where are your kids?, who’s watching your kids?, god forbid you go out more than once a year, then your looked at like that mom that just drops here kids off every weekend. You get where I’m going with this, my husband could go out every weekend and no one would say a damn thing, but that's a whole different double standard for another day. The sad thing is there is this tiny space in between mom and woman that people want you to fit into. Don’t be a frumpy mom but not too sexy. Go out but don’t have too much fun where you look irresponsible and blah, blah, blah.

As a mom I constantly criticize myself and wonder if I’m fucking my kids up so bad that  they’re  going to need therapy for the rest of their adult lives. I worry if the choices I make are the right ones, if I’m setting the best example and teaching them what I feel are the proper values. Now if I wanna do that in a crop top and heels that’s my prerogative. I am a woman first and foremost and just because I’m a mom that doesn't mean I have to change to fit this over filtered has it all together mom mold. The worst part is it’s us moms that are creating this standard. We are the biggest criticizers and judges when it comes to other mothers. We have to remind ourselves who we were before play dates, diapers, and sleepless nights; and I don’t mean the fun ones; and hold on to that because it’s easy to get lost in our journey to being the “perfect mom”.                                               

The Monday Diet

The endless struggle to lose that 4 year baby weight, to be able to slip on those size 3 jeans I reluctantly saved because I swore one day they would fit again. I don’t need them to fit like they use to I just need them to button and maybe zip, one or the other will do. Like I said, I 'm a stay at home mom and for all you that think stay at home moms have no excuses and all the time in the world, HAHAHAHAHAHA! That is super freaken funny. Let me tell you my job is 24/7 and then some, I barely have time to shower and when I do it’s with the door wide open and me screaming out every 5 second because as soon as I put one toe in the shower the kids suddenly get quiet. After my three and a half minute shower I hurry out hoping there isn’t some irreparable damage to the house.I rent so if anything happens to my place I’m paying for it, if anything happens to the kids, well I own them. I don’t have a Mom, Grandma, Cousin, great Aunt on my Dads second cousin's side that can watch my kids during the day so i can go workout or go on a hike well-st posting beautiful scenery pics on the Gram. Nope, there is just me and no me time means no gym time. I watch all those videos of moms working out at home, squatting their babies, well good for you (insert slow clap here). Been there, tried that, still fat.The at home gym equipment I have purchased is dusty as hell and tucked away in the closet expect for my kettle ball, I use that every single day........ to hold my bedroom door open.

People are always tell me "meal prep that's the key". I love when people try and give me diet advice its second only to parenting advice on my list of "Advice I love that no one asked you for".I know how to eat to be skinny, pre- kids I was 108 lbs, all about chicken and veggies, and going to the gym twice a day. What I need from you is a maid, a chef, live in nanny preferably in her late 40’s early 50’s,ugly as hell but with a heart of gold and oh yeah a personal trainer. Let me clarify, I'm not saying  I don't need advice or want any advice, I just don't want advice from you if your single, have no kids, live with your parents, are naturally skinny, paid for your body or have money and can afford any of the things listed above . Here’s the thing I meal prep, well I attempt to meal prep every week. On the occasion that it has been a good couple of days where the kids haven’t driven me to full Brittney status circa early 2000’s and they both have actually let me get more than 4 hrs of sleep a night, this may result in the extra energy needed to cook all the food, pack it and then clean up. So lets say the stars have a lined  and the meal prepping has been done.The food is sitting in my fridge ready to go and I'm in full on skinny mode, here is where I fail. I run errands and don’t make it back in time to eat lunch. I’m not eating it cold so I don’t bring the food with me and now I’m in the street hungry and decide to just grab something, FAIL! Now I finally arrive home after a long day of errands with my monster of a daughter, and now have to get the kids settled, do homework, cook dinner, make sure the house is in order, etc., etc., etc. By the end of all that I’m exhausted and just want real food and by real I mean carbs, carbs, carbs and possibly something fried with cheese some how incorporated. I already screwed up earlier in the day so I just say fuck it, DOUBLE FAIL!!

Its the endless cycle, the battle between thinking "who cares I’m already married" and not wanting to be the fat friend of the group. The eternal battle of knowing what my body use to look like, looks like now and could look like again with the addition of a few stretch marks here and there. Its still trying to find the balance between being a mom, a wife and myself, that keeps me trying every week and has me telling myself, "you can always start again on Monday".

Winter Break-Down

Today is the second day of the new year and like most moms I am ready for winter break to be over and for my 4 year old to go back to pre-k. THREE WEEKS OFF! like why? He’s 4, taking him back will be like the first day of school all over again the struggle of getting up in the morning, the crying when I drop him off and gently nudging him in the class room as I run as quickly as possible to the gate closest to the parking lot before they lock it and I have to walk all the way around.

A little back ground on me, I'm 30 years old, married and the mother of two beautiful kids that have aged me at least 5 years in the past year. My son is 4 the apple of my eye, my soulmate, he is the sweetest boy. Now that doesn't mean that he is an angel hes going through a phase (well i'm calling it a phase) where he cries about everything and I mean  everything..."mom I want water, mom my leg itches, mom Charlie (his sister) is sitting next to me. CRY! CRY! CRY!. sometime I just hide in the kitchen on the floor between the sink and the stove until they think I like left or something. Then there is the current ruler of the house the princess, my daughter the soon to be two year old terror. She is the kind of the kid that makes woman want to rip out there uterus and throw it in the trash. She is pure monster and the problem is she is so darn beautiful that she gets away with it and shes not just like in my eyes shes beautiful because I'm her mother but actually gorgeous which makes it that much worse. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works works works i'm a single married parent.

Now during this three week break my 4 year old Jamison was assigned homework, no biggie a couple of worksheets tracing, coloring you know typical stuff. Oh no that is not all though, they also have a "Project", where THEY have to create a poster board about their culture. My son is 4 he barley knows his name, as he refers to himself as Jamison "Monkey" Franco. Not only that, they want him to present the board to the class, when did pre-k become college prep 101. So pretty much I have a project that I need to get started on, my husband goes just make it simple its a kid project and I would have but there is this other mom in the class that tries to out do all the other parents and just thinks she is like The mom. So now I have to do a spite project and totally outshine this mom and her kid and let it be known I see her game. Yes, I am that mom.