Compromise or Surrender

As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a performer. I loved to dance and act and in my mind I would view my life as scenes from movie placing the appropriate background music as needed. Growing up my Dad was a big advocate of the arts he himself a performer studying tap, ballet and  acting. There was something about it that I just felt it was meant for me I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Like a lot of others, life started to happen and those dreams started to vanish and only become literal dreams that I could only see in my sleep. As I have mentioned before my childhood was rough homelessness, disconnected from my parents and just trying to hide my pains from those around me those things I loved became nonexistent. In school I never really excelled at any thing academically, I mean don’t get me wrong I am an intelligent woman but lacked the passion to truly thrive in any subject, all except dance. At the end of my freshman year I joined the Drill team and my passion for dance and performing was reignited. Fast forward to young adulthood and at 18 a friend gave me an opportunity to be a GOGO dancer in a brand new club he was promoting. That was the beginning of me feeling like I was finally me. From there I danced at clubs all over, did promotional modeling and even started to build a name for myself in the industry, which isn’t easy considering there are a million girls out there trying to do the same thing. 

Now I’m in my first relationship and at first my boyfriend likes what I do says he supports me until the honeymoon phase is over and then his true feelings come out. Then it’s “ I don’t want you doing that”, “How can we be serious when your out dancing”. So I stopped and just worked a regular job, but I hated it eventually I resented him for forcing me to choose and I ended it. Lesson learned right, he’ll no. I would constantly hear the same thing over and over from men, even my male friends would tell me that no one would ever want to take me serious doing what I did. You think I was out there being an escort or something! So every time I had a new man in my life I would stop pursuing my passion and I would tell myself it was a compromise and in relationships that what you do. 

I allowed people to shame me and make me feel that what I was doing was wrong. I surrendered to the negativity and judgment and allowed the insecurities of others become my own. I gave up the only thing I was ever passionate about because I started to believe that was the only way I would be loved. So many times we think we have to change who we are in order to fit this ideology of what a good woman, “wifey material” is. We use the word compromise to convince ourselves  it’s ok to give up bits and pieces of ourselves. We crave to be loved and excepted at times we are willing to try and be something we are not. At the end we become lost and in relationships with false love because we aren't are true selves.Now in my 30's with two kids I’m done surrendering I want to be successful in what I’m passionate about and in that I am more myself then ever before and I know that someone will love me for that.

31

In my 31 years of life I have learned many lessons over and over again. Continuing to make the same choices and hoping for different outcomes. I can recall countless convos with my closest friends where I act super strong and empowered and then go right back to the same thing. This is especially true when it came to relationships.  Then just like that, it came to me, like a dream when I was sleeping; Only after hours and hours of accumulated crying and asking “why me?” the answer was clear; it’s because of me! The person I was, the things that I was telling myself I deserve and accepted,  the choices I was making about my life and the choices I was allowing others to make for me, I was my own downfall.

We will tell ourselves that we deserve the world and yet except less than. We Dream big and then talk ourselves out if it by putting these nonexistent obstacles in front of our path. We put value on things that come easy and fear the things we might gain from the unknown. We act like our own biggest fan but secretly are our biggest hater. We allow the image of what others see us as to be our reflection when we look in the mirror.

I have allowed people to shape my course through life. As far back as I can remember I have always been told that I was a bitch, or I look stuck up, that nobody liked me. That in turn made me cold and in able to trust, even though as a young girl I would cry in my room because I didn’t know what I had done to make people see me in this way. As I grew I started to become that person that people told me I was. As a child I was dealing with issues that other kids couldn’t even imagine, so yes at times I was quiet and reserved. I had to grow up fast and deal with real life issues so at times I didn’t care about the fact that some girl didn’t like me because I was wondering where I was going to sleeping that night or did we have money for food and that made me a bitch. Till this day at 31 I still have people hating me and judging me, the big difference is that I don’t let it define me. I look in the mirror and I see me, the person that I want to be and yeah sometimes she can be a bitch but she is kind hearted and loyal and always growing.  At 31 I made the decisions to pursue my passions and at 31 decided to not accept anything less than I truly deserve.

Some days I wake up and am ready to conquer the world and other days it feels like nothing can go right but every day that I’m choosing to be happy is better than the last.

Mothers and Daughters

This  Saturday my daughter will be two, this past year with her has been amazing as I have watched her go from a baby to her own little person with her own unique personality. I have seen in her eyes the amazement of new experiences, growing emotions and her brain just soaking up everything around her. Looking at her makes me think of my mom and my childhood, all the dreams I had and also the long journey that I’m still currently on.

Growing up my Dad wasn’t really around even when my parents where together and by together I mean living under the same roof he wasn’t really around. My Mom raised me and my brothers and did the best she could. I don’t have too many memories of my childhood, I probably blocked them out, locked them in the deepest parts of my mind. One of my first memories is being 7 years old driving to my house in the middle of the night in a van, my Dad going into the house then coming out and never returning again. You see we lost the house and all our possessions, I left there that night with a bag of clothes, a small box of belongs and my cat. That was the beginning of the end of my family as I knew it. We would struggle on and off for years after that living in hotel rooms, sleeping on family members floors, and renting places here and there until we couldn’t afford it. Through this time I watched my Mom become the strongest women I would ever see. She made the impossible happen, she worked hard got her GED then got a job that could provide more than minimum wage. Although now looking back I admire my mother at that time I resented her, I thought how could she do this to us. I resented her for all the things I didn’t have, the childhood I lost, and the loneliness I felt. I had convinced myself that she didn’t like me I would think she was to busy dealing with her issues with my Dad to care about my pain. We weren’t close we didn’t talk about anything, I went through some of the hardest times in my childhood alone.She didn’t teach me how to do my hair or put on makeup, we didn't go shopping together or get our nails done, shit we could barley afford food most of the time. She was holding it together the best she could, looking back I never saw this woman break, shed a tear or put her needs first. Without knowing it she was making me the woman I am today.

I used to tell myself that I would never be like her, never go through that kind of relationship like the one he had with my father, I would never put my children through those struggles but now as a mother I would be lucky if I was even half the mother she is. She was strong but made me stronger, she worked hard to provide the basics so I worked harder so my kids can experience more. She never gave up, she was proud but never let her pride stop her from doing what was best for her family, she didn’t love everyone but the few she did she loved hard. She gave all she could everyday, she was always there every game, dance recital, award ceremony, parent meeting. I didn't see it then i was to young but she was always showing me how much she loved me.

I see how my daughter looks at me, she follows me around copies my facial expressions and mannerisms. I know we have a long road ahead she won’t always like me and won’t understand why I make the choices I make, but I hope if nothing else she knows I always tried my best and that my love is unconditional. One day she will understand my story and see me as more than just her mom and when that day comes I hope to have made her as proud as my mom has made me.

A Story About Love

I look at you as you lay in bed next to me . I study the curves of your face, the way your eyelashes flutter just a tiny bit as you dream. After long days I think about how we got here our journey, our love and I think back to a time when we was I and although the what if’s pop into my head and I think about all the dreams I had and the path I was on I wouldn’t change this life for anything in the world.

I never wanted to be a mother, getting pregnant was not in my plan at all, I had never even held a baby.I was all about me, myself and I and at 25 the only thing on my mind was making money, spending money, and just having fun. Then just like that at 11 something AM,  in a restroom at Hooters two little blue lines would change my life forever. The thought of being a mother was horrifying to say the least all I could think about was how my life was over. 

I ran from love every chance I got the idea of allowing someone to get that close to me was something I just wouldn’t allow. I was always more comfortable being with people that treated me less than I deserved because at least I knew they were going to hurt me. I would give my all to these types of men and the ones that actually treated me well I couldn’t run away fast enough. I have always been closed off I didn’t know how to connect or love or be loved for that matter. Now I was pregnant and I was so afraid that I wouldn’t love my baby. As the baby grew inside me I didn’t feel connected or love, I didn’t know how to. The relationship between me and your dad was rough and as everything around me started to change, I hated every part of it. 

Then after what seemed like forever, you were coming and forever turned into seconds. I cried out of fear, fear that I wouldn’t love you like I was supposed to or I wouldn’t be enough, selfish thoughts like how my body would look, no social life, giving up my dreams , all rushed threw my mind in these moments of supposed bliss. Then silence filled my head and as they placed you on my chest, just like the grinch my heart grew three sizes big. You looked at me and I looked at you and for the first time in my 25 years of life my heart was completely open and I felt true love.  I knew in that moment you were my soulmate and that no matter what my life would be or become what we had would be forever. All my selfish thoughts would vanish as I looked into your eyes nothing mattered but you. 

You are my son and because of you I know love, because of you I have purpose and reason. You have helped my to be the person I always wanted to be, you changed me, you saved me. 

Roles

I always thought of myself as a more traditional girl when it came to the type of family dynamic I wanted to have. I wanted a man that was a provider, who would work and take care of the family financially and I in turn would stay home, take care of the house and kids. I had no idea what that really meant “traditional”, in reality I wasn’t a traditional girl at all. I was an independent, opinionated, OK overly opinionated and considered by many an alpha female. I wasn’t raised in household with both parents, and didn’t really know what it was to be a woman that cooked, cleaned and devoted her life to her home and family. When my husband and I had our first child we both agreed on the roles we would take on in our new family. He came from a more traditional family setting his step father worked and provided for the family financially and his mom took care of the house and the kids. His father was the “Boss” what he said went, he was the head of the house, he made the money and therefore made the rules. It seemed as though we were both on the same page until we were actually living it and then not so much on the same page, not even in the same book. I started to wonder where you draw the lines in these roles. Does being providers mean that you don’t help out at all around the house, don’t wash a dish, make the bed ever? Does being a stay at home mom mean that you do everything don’t ever get to complain because you should always feel blessed that you get to be home and that is considered a luxury. This would be an ongoing conflict in the first years of our relationship.

At first when my son was an infant I loved being home, cooking and cleaning I was really trying to fit into my new role. Over time I started to resent my husband, I felt like a maid, the ideas I had about being a stay at home mom where not even close, maybe I watched too much Real Housewives or something. That thought of this alpha female now having to be second in command I wasn’t feeling it. My Husband is not my Dad or my Boss and I don’t need someone telling me what to do or giving me an allowance, this isn’t I Love Lucy and he is not Ricky Ricardo. Growing up he saw his mom do everything and when his dad would come home from work all he had to do was eat and relax. These traditional roles started to piss me the fuck off. Yes I wanted to stay home with my kids; I didn’t mind keeping the house clean and cooking. What I did mind was the idea that I HAD to do these things, these were my jobs, I don’t know about you but I don’t always feel like cooking every day or constantly picking up after people, sometimes I want to eat take out and watch Netflix all day. I wanted my husband to work and then split the house hold duties, was that asking for too much? Was I changing the roles that we originally agreed on?

I even decided to go back to work in hopes that now we would both take on the role of provider and split the household duties. That lasted all of 6 months, trying to balance home, work and not to mention trying to figure out who would take care of my son, and FYI daycare is ridiculously expensive. I realized I was better needed at home and wanted to be with my son and working until 6, driving in LA traffic for over an hour , then picking up my son, going home cooking dinner, I was missing out on my baby and watching him grow. So back to my original role I went except this time changes had to be made I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t an equal because I wasn’t contributing financially. I needed more help around the house when possible and if the house wasn’t perfectly cleaned for a day it shouldn’t be an issue.

For the next five years our lives would change, we had a baby girl, my husband would excel in his career and I would try and not lose my shit on a day to day basis (I’m still a work in progress).Our initial roles would remain the same but the meaning of these roles would change and although I still consider our roles traditional I like to say the “new traditional”. I started to think how the roles we played would impact my children in the future. I of course wanted my daughter to be a strong independent woman who would want to be more than a stay at home if that’s what she chose. To know that she is the boss of herself and never settle for something that doesn’t make her happy. I also thought of my son and I wanted him to know that just because he’s a man doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have to cook, clean or help around the house. He should always see women as equals and when he meets his wife yes take care of her, support her but never think he controls her. The roles we take on set the example for the roles our kids will take on in the future. Finding the balance in any relationship is work and our roles as parents, partners, and individuals is constantly changing and developing. 

Mom vs. Woman

When you become a mom you automatically get put under society’s microscope and just like Sting said “every breath you take, every move you make, they’ll be watching you”. Your life now becomes the topic of discussion, the source of debate and at times the example of what not to do.  This doesn’t only apply to what you do when you have your kids with you but even the choices you make when you’re kidless. No one ever told me that once I became a mom I would only be a mom and nothing else. I know your probably thinking” this b**ch, I work, I have a career, I’m more than just a mom”, and I agree. Let me explain, when we moms work, people will say “What about your kids? Who’s watching them? Who’s raising them?"Majority of woman work to help support their families and some simply because they love what they do. Yet either way they get judged for not being as involved or present in their kids lives because when people see you they see you as a mom first.

Several of my girlfriends who don’t have kids yet and are working on achieving their career goals ask me what my plan is once my kids get old enough that they don’t need me as much. I sarcastically tell them ill just sit at home all day watching TV waiting for them to come home so my life can have purpose again. I in turn ask them what they are going to do when they achieve their goals, now work full time, and want to have a baby. Will they send their babies to daycare all day? Give up a career they worked so hard for to raise a baby? They will be seen as a mom that chose career over kids. Yet I will be looked at as a mom that never achieved anything besides raising her kids. As moms we will always lose in the battle I call, mom vs. woman.

Pre kids we are taught to be strong, to live our lives with no regrets, and to follow our dreams. We put on our sexy outfits and party with our girls. We work our jobs and make our money and people say, “That girl has it together”. Now as a mom I put on my sexy outfit and the first thing people say is "that’s too sexy, to revealing, she’s a mom she shouldn’t dress like that". Forget going out, you go out and all of a sudden its where are your kids?, who’s watching your kids?, god forbid you go out more than once a year, then your looked at like that mom that just drops here kids off every weekend. You get where I’m going with this, my husband could go out every weekend and no one would say a damn thing, but that's a whole different double standard for another day. The sad thing is there is this tiny space in between mom and woman that people want you to fit into. Don’t be a frumpy mom but not too sexy. Go out but don’t have too much fun where you look irresponsible and blah, blah, blah.

As a mom I constantly criticize myself and wonder if I’m fucking my kids up so bad that  they’re  going to need therapy for the rest of their adult lives. I worry if the choices I make are the right ones, if I’m setting the best example and teaching them what I feel are the proper values. Now if I wanna do that in a crop top and heels that’s my prerogative. I am a woman first and foremost and just because I’m a mom that doesn't mean I have to change to fit this over filtered has it all together mom mold. The worst part is it’s us moms that are creating this standard. We are the biggest criticizers and judges when it comes to other mothers. We have to remind ourselves who we were before play dates, diapers, and sleepless nights; and I don’t mean the fun ones; and hold on to that because it’s easy to get lost in our journey to being the “perfect mom”.                                               

The Monday Diet

The endless struggle to lose that 4 year baby weight, to be able to slip on those size 3 jeans I reluctantly saved because I swore one day they would fit again. I don’t need them to fit like they use to I just need them to button and maybe zip, one or the other will do. Like I said, I 'm a stay at home mom and for all you that think stay at home moms have no excuses and all the time in the world, HAHAHAHAHAHA! That is super freaken funny. Let me tell you my job is 24/7 and then some, I barely have time to shower and when I do it’s with the door wide open and me screaming out every 5 second because as soon as I put one toe in the shower the kids suddenly get quiet. After my three and a half minute shower I hurry out hoping there isn’t some irreparable damage to the house.I rent so if anything happens to my place I’m paying for it, if anything happens to the kids, well I own them. I don’t have a Mom, Grandma, Cousin, great Aunt on my Dads second cousin's side that can watch my kids during the day so i can go workout or go on a hike well-st posting beautiful scenery pics on the Gram. Nope, there is just me and no me time means no gym time. I watch all those videos of moms working out at home, squatting their babies, well good for you (insert slow clap here). Been there, tried that, still fat.The at home gym equipment I have purchased is dusty as hell and tucked away in the closet expect for my kettle ball, I use that every single day........ to hold my bedroom door open.

People are always tell me "meal prep that's the key". I love when people try and give me diet advice its second only to parenting advice on my list of "Advice I love that no one asked you for".I know how to eat to be skinny, pre- kids I was 108 lbs, all about chicken and veggies, and going to the gym twice a day. What I need from you is a maid, a chef, live in nanny preferably in her late 40’s early 50’s,ugly as hell but with a heart of gold and oh yeah a personal trainer. Let me clarify, I'm not saying  I don't need advice or want any advice, I just don't want advice from you if your single, have no kids, live with your parents, are naturally skinny, paid for your body or have money and can afford any of the things listed above . Here’s the thing I meal prep, well I attempt to meal prep every week. On the occasion that it has been a good couple of days where the kids haven’t driven me to full Brittney status circa early 2000’s and they both have actually let me get more than 4 hrs of sleep a night, this may result in the extra energy needed to cook all the food, pack it and then clean up. So lets say the stars have a lined  and the meal prepping has been done.The food is sitting in my fridge ready to go and I'm in full on skinny mode, here is where I fail. I run errands and don’t make it back in time to eat lunch. I’m not eating it cold so I don’t bring the food with me and now I’m in the street hungry and decide to just grab something, FAIL! Now I finally arrive home after a long day of errands with my monster of a daughter, and now have to get the kids settled, do homework, cook dinner, make sure the house is in order, etc., etc., etc. By the end of all that I’m exhausted and just want real food and by real I mean carbs, carbs, carbs and possibly something fried with cheese some how incorporated. I already screwed up earlier in the day so I just say fuck it, DOUBLE FAIL!!

Its the endless cycle, the battle between thinking "who cares I’m already married" and not wanting to be the fat friend of the group. The eternal battle of knowing what my body use to look like, looks like now and could look like again with the addition of a few stretch marks here and there. Its still trying to find the balance between being a mom, a wife and myself, that keeps me trying every week and has me telling myself, "you can always start again on Monday".