In my 31 years of life I have learned many lessons over and
over again. Continuing to make the same choices and hoping for different
outcomes. I can recall countless convos with my closest friends where I act
super strong and empowered and then go right back to the same thing. This is
especially true when it came to relationships.
Then just like that, it came to me, like a dream when I was sleeping;
Only after hours and hours of accumulated crying and asking “why me?” the
answer was clear; it’s because of me! The person I was, the things that I was
telling myself I deserve and accepted,
the choices I was making about my life and the choices I was allowing
others to make for me, I was my own downfall.
We will tell ourselves that we deserve the world and yet
except less than. We Dream big and then talk ourselves out if it by putting
these nonexistent obstacles in front of our path. We put value on things that
come easy and fear the things we might gain from the unknown. We act like our
own biggest fan but secretly are our biggest hater. We allow the image of what
others see us as to be our reflection when we look in the mirror.
I have allowed people to shape my course through life. As
far back as I can remember I have always been told that I was a bitch, or I
look stuck up, that nobody liked me. That in turn made me cold and in able to trust, even though as a young girl I would cry in my room because I didn’t know what I
had done to make people see me in this way. As I grew I started to become that
person that people told me I was. As a child I was dealing with issues that
other kids couldn’t even imagine, so yes at times I was quiet and reserved. I
had to grow up fast and deal with real life issues so at times I didn’t care
about the fact that some girl didn’t like me because I was wondering where I
was going to sleeping that night or did we have money for food and that made me
a bitch. Till this day at 31 I still have people hating me and judging me, the
big difference is that I don’t let it define me. I look in the mirror and I see
me, the person that I want to be and yeah sometimes she can be a bitch but she
is kind hearted and loyal and always growing. At 31 I made the decisions to pursue my
passions and at 31 decided to not accept anything less than I truly deserve.
Some days I wake up and am ready to conquer the world and
other days it feels like nothing can go right but every day that I’m choosing
to be happy is better than the last.
